Between The Sheets

I bet the title of this post had you excited... thinking I was going to tell you that Jason and I were already trying for Baby Brock again...

Actually, Between The Sheets is the name of our favorite poker style game that we play with my family. It's a high stakes game of betting on the middle card... betting for the 'pot' that is... and anyone who has played the game... knows how we love to 'bet the pot'... which often leaves us cashless... and pulling out the checkbook...

We went to Jim and Jamie's on Friday night for a little poker action. It was great to hang out with everyone! Dad, Peg, and Billy joined us for a few rounds of poker too. I had my first jagerbomb of the new year-- followed by my first glasses of wine. Remember, I found out I was pregnant on January 3-- so it's been a while.

Needless to say, drinking wasn't the best idea for me at this stage. My emotions are still on quite the roller coaster ride (to say the least--- it would be interesting to hear how Jason would describe them :) I move quite rapidly from 'all is great'--- to 'I don't want to talk about it'--- to 'I just want to mush on the couch tonight'--- to 'everything is fine'--- to 'leave me alone'--- to 'I want to crawl under my blanket and hide'--- and sometimes this happens all in the same 15 minutes.

I have struggled a little with being real and just accepting how I feel. I worked hard all last week to maintain my smile and somewhat bubbly personality... and by Friday I was done. I was done smiling and being fake and pretending that I was happy when I really wasn't. I can't explain it when it comes, it actually makes it worse to try to explain 'what's wrong'. There are just moments that I am sad.

Then I have to stop and think and reassure myself that it's okay... and time will heal some of the sadness... and that's it's only been a week. I think there are just milestones... or little moments that spark a sadness... like waking up this past Thursday morning... or when I pressed my wrist against my chest the other day and realized that my boobs aren't sore anymore... or even going to the grocery store and not having the same excitement for picking up all of the fresh fruits and vegetables...wondering what part of baby brock will grow better because of my choices.

I don't mean to sound like I'm sad all of the time, I'm not. Most of the time I am happy Carie-- who looks forward to what the future holds for Jason and I. We know that these moments in life are what makes us stronger... and we'll be better people and parents because of it.