To be or not to be...

Dr.Mortimore (our principal) called me in Thursday afternoon to talk. She set up the meeting to talk about my 'future' with the school... something I haven't put a whole lot of thought and energy into lately. There is so much to do to finish my Masters, help my student teacher in her last few weeks, get skinny for the cruise (stop laughing), etc... that I haven't stopped to wonder where I'm going or what my plans are. It's almost like I'm in 'survival' mode-- one minute at a time.

So, the meeting started with small talk about Math Curriculum and planning. How are we going to improve our test scores? How are we going to teach our students to problem solve? And then it came, "Tell me how you see your future here Carie", and the "oh, shit... I didn't plan for this" immediately came to mind.

Dr.Mortimore has a vision to open 2 more schools on our campus at 15th and Center. Each school would function somewhat independently, yet be connected through common teaching and practices. The second school was scheduled to open this year, but has been postponed for a variety of reasons until Fall 2007. And where do I play into all of this? She needs 2 principals for 2007 and she wants them to come from within.

After dropping a few F-bombs in my head, I started entertaining the idea. It's always been a thought and plan to move into Administration someday. However, I didn't plan for 'someday' coming so soon. It wasn't a job offer conversation as much as it was putting her feelers out for where I stood on the idea. Her and I have talked and joked a few times before that I will fill her shoes when she is done... but I thought she'd be wearing the shoes a little longer...

The plan is for someone to take over her role as principal in the current school, and a second person to take the role of principal in the new school. Dr.Mortimore will assume the Executive Director role and mentor and monitor both principals along the way. She wants to start meeting weekly to begin discussing and planning and sharing her vision of 2 new principals. Yeah, I'm still dropping a few F-bombs in my head.

It's a great opportunity. It is something that I wanted eventually, I just didn't plan for it to happen so soon.

Jason and I have just begun to talk about it and the impact it would have on us. It will definitely add an additional challenge to starting a family now... but, he has always said that he is more than happy to be Mr.Mom if need be :) The lighter side of the opportunity is that nothing is permanent. If it isn't the right fit for me, I can easily turn around and go right back to the comforts of my crazy classroom full of 3rd graders.

It sounds silly, but one of the things I am most worried about is the political side of being a principal in an urban Milwaukee charter school. There is a lot of controversy over state and local funding for education and how it is distributed... especially amidst a failing public school system. The Milwaukee public school district has one of the lowest graduation rates in the country. Only 34% of students graduate from high school in Milwaukee... hence, the reason for charter schools like ours who are trying very hard to do it 'different' and motivate urban students in Milwaukee to value education.

So... that is what's on the plate at the Brocks these days... to be or not to be....that is the question...

La Fuente

The alternative to decompressing on Friday nights by driving up north-- is driving 2 miles south to La Fuentes!

You can imagine the scene-- 17 people-- an hour and a half wait-- pitchers of margarittas-- an hour and a half wait-- pitchers of margarittas-- by the end of dinner one girl was showing her 'webbed' toes to the restaurant-- 2 of the girls were dancing on their chairs-- for dollars-- with random men from other tables dancing around them-- did I mention that La Fuente is just a mexican 'restaurant' and not a 'strip club'?

And the party did not stop there-- it was back to the 'Brocks'. Another great thing about Brady Street is the cramming of 17+ people in this space-- dancing and stomping and yelling and blasting the music and nobody even bats an eye! The street is full of loud bars and people and cars and fire engines and fun-- so our celebrations just add to the craziness! It was like a 'house' party-- I kept looking to sign up for the next keg stand.

February and Wisconsin is to blame-- the only relief from the wet and cold and gray is an hour and a half of margarittas! I'm not sure it feels like 'relief' this morning though-- Jason (still in bed) can attest to that I'm sure!

Drinks and Jagerbombs

Up north again for the weekend! One of my favorite- favorite things to do is head north for the weekend (or summer). I love the decompression that happens during the drive. We stop at Mr.Cinders in Oshkosh for dinner every time. I worked at Mr.Cinders (a small, family owned chain in Appleton too) on and off for almost 9 years. It was one of my first jobs in high school-- and the job that after almost 9 years helped me realized that I wanted a job that I didn't have to shower 'after' work to get the deep fry smell and ketchup off!

There was plenty of fresh snow and sun over Lake Camelot this weekend. We had Friday night and most of Saturday all to ourselves. Then some of our favorite friends joined us for Saturday and Sunday night (no school on President's Day). We had drinks and jagerbombs, played poker, had drinks and jagerbombs, went for walks, had drinks and jagerbombs, played cards, had drinks and jagerbombs, watched tv, and had drinks and jagerbombs. It was Joe Toomie's 30th birthday-- so there was a few extra jagerbombs for him.

I think one of the many things Jason and I love about going up north is that we get to play 'house'. There are different rooms and spaces and places to go--- all inside the same 'house'. We live in a great apartment on Brady Street in Milwaukee. I love every bit of our apartment--- especially roof top cook outs in the summer, and dancing in the living room every weekend of the winter. But, it is an apartment and there is no 'other' place to go. There is no place that I can go in the apartment where I can't hear Jason breathing (or making other boy noises) in another room. So we loooove going to play 'house' up north. One weekend Jason spent a few hours in the 'garage' and it was hilarious! He checked in the house every hour or so just to make sure that I was still reading my book in the chair (he couldn't hear me breathing through the walls I guess)-- and to remind me of all the great things he can build for me some day when he has his own garage.

We are talking about and planning to move into a house soon. We have most of our ducks in a row and often spend our Sunday mornings driving around with Starbucks (venti soy chai)--- looking for our first house. This has been the first time that I think we are actually 'ready' both financially and emotionally to move. Emotionally may sound silly-- but we looove our apartment! There have been sooo many great memories here-- our first time living 'alone'-- our first couch-- where our first puppy was a puppy-- our first 'pub' table-- where I slept the night before our wedding-- 100th anniversary of Harley-fest on the roof-- 3 unforgettable Halloween parties-- people watching on the window bench (especially in summer)-- our first experience with a baby brock-- jagerbombs for all new guests-- power surges on Brady Street during the heat of summer-- the smell of the coffee shop across the street-- the homeless man that crushes cans outside our bedroom window (one at a time)-- Lester (the 7 foot gay black man that works in the smoke shop downstairs)-- the 1-2 Step by Ciara on Saturday nights--

So needless to say, we enjoy every day (especially weekends) on Brady Street, treating each wild celebration like it's nearing the last...

So Carie, How Are You?

We had our 'follow up' doctor's appointment this morning... and it went pretty good.

The appointment began with a little 'catch up' on all that has happened the past two weeks. We shared most of the physical ups and downs... when the leaking started... when the leaking stopped... what are the hormones doing now... am I still really tired... any cramping...etc. We can try again asap. The doctor is not concerned or worried about us getting pregnant again...It was easy to talk matter-of-factly about all of the miscarriage details and drama.

Then it came.

"So... how are you really doing Carie... and I mean emotionally...."

yeah... and the flood gates opened... it's like the hardest question to answer-- EVER!

It's a lie to say 'great' and it's a lie to say 'terrible' ... I'm somewhere in middle land... I'm taking things one day at a time... and these days most of that 'time' has been spent on school stuff.

I've been trying to finish my Masters through Cardinal Stritch University... and after about 17 months... I'm almost there! I graduate May 21st at the Cellular Arena in Milwaukee (hint, hint and I'm sure they'll be some kind of brunch or bloody mary to follow!)... I'm still trudging my way a little through the thesis/ action research...but one way or another some type of 100 page paper will be turned in by then with my name on it... keep your fingers crossed!

VD

I love that my brother refers to Valentines Day as 'VD'. How's your 'VD'?

Jason and I had a great Valentines Day! We had great plans to use our Chocolate Factory gift certificate (thanks to all our good friends), or go to our favorite 'top of Milwaukee' restaurant, or try this adorable new organic restaurant that we've been meaning to try... and instead... we put on comfy clothes and went for a super long walk with Brady down and around the Lake Michigan shoreline and the Milwaukee Art Museum (our favorite thing to do)... then we walked to a nearby 'ma and pa' type super club called, "Pitch's"... and it was great! We ate sicilian style fish... mmm... and split a piece of strawberry cheesecake... and then it was home to squishies...

My cute little husband bought me a 'candy-gram' at school (cute little basket, balloon, and candy that the 4th graders sell and assemble) and one of my favorite poster prints ever...

I was shopping with Taylor and Shelly one day near our apartment... and we went into this tiny shop just around the corner... the shop has funky clothes, purses, jewelery, etc... and this poster that I loooooveed... and that's what my cute little husband bought me for Valentine's Day! It's a street scene from Milwaukee... but instead of an actual picture... the artist created the buildings, people, sky, etc... using cut outs and snips of logos from newspapers or printed materials... it is soooo coool! All of our favorite places are somewhere in the scene.... it's almost like one of those million-mini-photos-make-one-photo things... only it's a million-little-Milwaukee logos- make-one-great-Milwaukee-scene...

so, come over and see it sometime... it's great... just like my cute little husband...

The Long Run

So, I think I found a cure for the blues. Exercise. Yeah, I know, good idea Carie!

We got home from Jim and Jamie's late Saturday afternoon. I was leaking, and feeling crampy, with a touch of hang over (did I mention what a great idea it was to drink?). We missed our monthly 'theme' party-- and just stayed home and mushed on the couch with our comfy clothes, Taylor blanket and Olympics on TV. Jason stayed home with me even though he was feeling pretty good-- most of the time my cute little husband is the only thing that makes my sad moments disappear--

I reached a pouty low on Sunday afternoon and Jason made me go to the YMCA. I fought it at first and said I would go to walk for a little while, but then I was going shopping. 50 minutes into it--I was still going strong on that treadmill, wondering if I could call in on Monday and just come back to the Y for the day. There is nothing more powerful or healing than listening to your favorite song-- all the way up-- sweating out your stresses--

have I mentioned how great my cute little husband is?

Between The Sheets

I bet the title of this post had you excited... thinking I was going to tell you that Jason and I were already trying for Baby Brock again...

Actually, Between The Sheets is the name of our favorite poker style game that we play with my family. It's a high stakes game of betting on the middle card... betting for the 'pot' that is... and anyone who has played the game... knows how we love to 'bet the pot'... which often leaves us cashless... and pulling out the checkbook...

We went to Jim and Jamie's on Friday night for a little poker action. It was great to hang out with everyone! Dad, Peg, and Billy joined us for a few rounds of poker too. I had my first jagerbomb of the new year-- followed by my first glasses of wine. Remember, I found out I was pregnant on January 3-- so it's been a while.

Needless to say, drinking wasn't the best idea for me at this stage. My emotions are still on quite the roller coaster ride (to say the least--- it would be interesting to hear how Jason would describe them :) I move quite rapidly from 'all is great'--- to 'I don't want to talk about it'--- to 'I just want to mush on the couch tonight'--- to 'everything is fine'--- to 'leave me alone'--- to 'I want to crawl under my blanket and hide'--- and sometimes this happens all in the same 15 minutes.

I have struggled a little with being real and just accepting how I feel. I worked hard all last week to maintain my smile and somewhat bubbly personality... and by Friday I was done. I was done smiling and being fake and pretending that I was happy when I really wasn't. I can't explain it when it comes, it actually makes it worse to try to explain 'what's wrong'. There are just moments that I am sad.

Then I have to stop and think and reassure myself that it's okay... and time will heal some of the sadness... and that's it's only been a week. I think there are just milestones... or little moments that spark a sadness... like waking up this past Thursday morning... or when I pressed my wrist against my chest the other day and realized that my boobs aren't sore anymore... or even going to the grocery store and not having the same excitement for picking up all of the fresh fruits and vegetables...wondering what part of baby brock will grow better because of my choices.

I don't mean to sound like I'm sad all of the time, I'm not. Most of the time I am happy Carie-- who looks forward to what the future holds for Jason and I. We know that these moments in life are what makes us stronger... and we'll be better people and parents because of it.

Venti Soy Chai Latte

Venti Soy Chai, it doesn't get better than. I could have one for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the rest of my life and never tire of the taste. It is definitely my comfort food, squishy clothes, and new comfy blanket all in one. It is what gets me up five minutes earlier everyday. It is what starts my day off with a smile. And it has to be Starbucks. Although I would much rather support the local coffee shops (and we have tons of cool ones in Milwaukee-land), the taste is not the same. The only place that even comes close is Bucksnorts up in Land O' Lakes, Wisconsin. Have you heard of it? it's a great coffee shop that opens bright and early at 9:30am every morning (only in the northwoods can you get away with that).

I even remember my first Chai Tea Latte. It was October 2001 in Chicago. I was downtown watching my dad run the 26.2mile Chicago Marathon. I flew in from Colorado Springs for the weekend, just to watch the race. I can picture it now.... me on the sidelines with my warm sweater and mittens...sipping my warm, creamy chai tea....looking for the next bench to rest on... dad passing (or should I say panting :) by... mile... after mile... after mile... after mile... after mile... ( x 26) with almost 40,000 others... a day to remember...

Anyway, life continues to look up on Brady Street. I only got teary eyed once today. My biggest problem has actually been getting out of bed in the morning. I have been slowly weaning myself from Vicodin-- I am down to one pill a day. However, I still am totally exhausted in the mornings. It was so bad this morning that I didn't shower before work--- yeah---you read that right--- I didn't shower this morning-- I could not talk myself into getting out of bed in time to shower before work--I think tomorrow I'll put on extra perfume and curl my hair to make up for today!

Jason is out playing racquet ball tonight. I can't wait to see the battle wounds when he gets home tonight! I think it was the 'I'm going to stop and buy goggles' comment that got me worried. I mean, I haven't played racquet ball in 20 years, but I don't remember goggles??

He's put a lot of effort into eating healthier and exercising lately in lieu of our upcoming cruise-- only 60 days to go! I hope to start tomorrow (have you heard that before?). I just couldn't talk myself into sweating in spandex with a maxi pad--- I don't even know if I would do that alone, at home. I'm hoping that by tomorrow the leaking will be done... maybe a little more than you need to know... but I feel like you've been through this much with me... you deserve to be updated...

hugs and kisses and love to all...

Oh, How I Love 3rd Graders!

Every sad or grieving adult should be required to bring their heartaches to a classroom full of 8 and 9 year olds!

I did not want to go to school today. I took the morning off and it took everything in me to not call and take the afternoon off as well. There was a constant struggle between me and the steering wheel all the way to school today. All I wanted to do was go home to my squishy couch and mush with my warm, comfortable, brand-new blanket that Taylor and Shelly brought over for us yesterday (did I mention how wonderful this blanket is?? and how wonderful they are??).

But... I fought the urge and went to school. I quickly raced up the stairs and around the corner to my classroom (to avoid as many people as possible). I had arrived just in time for 3rd graders to return (with Sandy) from lunch and recess.

We have a greeting routine in the morning. As the students arrive they are given the greeting choice of a handshake, hug, or high-five. This usually gives me a good gauge at how each student is going to start their day! We decided to greet each other now, since we hadn't seen each other for 2 1/2 days and they had some idea of what was happening (they had made cards and bought flowers...etc).

As the students entered the room, they also offered their sincere condolences for what had happened-- "sorry about your dead baby mrs.brock" and "are you still sick because of your dead baby mrs.brock" and "why did you have your baby already if it was dead mrs.brock".... yeah... by the third "sorry about your dead baby" I was pretty much laughing hysterically.

We met on the carpet in a circle so that we could briefly talk about my return and their time without them. After I briefly explained (a little teary eyed of course) that I had the baby very early... and that it wasn't alive because it was way to early for it to live... it was only the size of a peanut... and that I wasn't pregnant anymore... then we had a few minutes for questions.. and our conversation went something like this:

"why did you have the baby if it was too little?" "it wasn't really growing right so my body needed to get rid of it"

"did you have an abortion?" and then another student answered for me, "no-- an abortion is when you get sick of being married so you divorce yourself"

"where is your baby now?" and of course I'm thinking about the toilet, maxi pads, hospital bed...etc... you can imagine... thankfully the other students answered for me..."duuhh--- all dead babies go to heaven" and "yeah-- and there are all kinds of rooms in heaven -- like way over a hundred" and "yeah-- and there's xbox in heaven" and "you can also get wings in heaven when you're little and turn into an angel"

Then the conversation quickly turned into the fact that the substitute teachers were not angels-- and that one of them told the class to 'shut the hell up'-- and that the other one looked like a cave man... etc.

I love my job. I love that it's not a job to me. I love the way a group of 8 and 9 year olds can bring a smile to my face on a day that I don't feel much like smiling... I love that they give me a million reasons to get up and go to 'work' each day.

Light at the end of the tunnel...

Today I can see the light. I woke up at 5am-- fearful of the same cramp and contraction routine of the past three mornings-- but there was none. I went to the bathroom--- walked around the apartment for a minute to be sure I didn't need to stop by the pain killer counter--- and I felt good. I still feel good. I feel alert. I feel awake. I feel like today I will be able to walk away from my blankets and pillow and remote control on the couch.

It is easier to look ahead when I feel good. Jason and I continue to talk about the loss, making sure it's not another thing that we just smile away and sweep under the carpet as if it didn't happen. It's been hard to look ahead though when we've been stuck in the pains of 'now'. But today feels different. Today feels like it's one step to closer to being done.... and one step closer to moving on.

We're going to go out and socialize today. We're meeting a large group of close friends to watch the Super Bowl. Actually, I just sit with the girls and eat and talk and occasionally watch a commercial or two. I'm sure I will need the tissue box to start-- and a million hugs to get through the first 10 minutes. But then it will be okay-- I'm ready to talk about something else-- I'm ready to talk about moving on.

Actually, the third graders were horrible when I was gone. I have a student teacher this semester, Sandy, who is wonderful. She is a mother of four from Mequon who is making a major career switch to teaching. She has caught on very quickly and has come up with some super fun teaching ideas and lessons. I was thinking that the kids would be fine with a guest teacher as long as she was still with them--- wrong! Sandy described last Thursday as a 'Level 4 Hurricane'. They went on a short field trip to the Milwaukee Urban Ecology Center and they WERE SENT HOME EARLY... that's pretty ugly for a place that ONLY deals with urban students.

I'm planning to go back to school tomorrow. Today's visit with friends (we work with many of them) will ease the emotional strain of the first morning back. Then we can do double duty on those third graders to whip them back into shape-- amazing what 8 and 9 year olds are capable of when their teacher is gone!

Hugs and kisses to all--- and the promise that things are looking up around here!

MMMMMM.....

Today began much the same as yesterday--- killer cramps moving into contractions--- only there was one difference--- Vicodin! Thank god for pain killers! I could feel the cramps and contractions-- only they didn't hurt today. It was kind of like having a root canal-- you know there's a pizza cutter digging into your gums-- only the drugs help to numb it so you don't actually 'feel' anything. So I spent most of the morning in 'numb' land-- while Jason watched "Grizzly Man"-- strange bear loving man-- strange documentary.

Jason had some much needed boy time last night-- he went and played Xbox with the boys for a few hours. I stayed home on the couch (never straying too far from the vicodin). I watched "Cinderella Man" and the "Dog Whisperer"-- and I actually did pretty good. I was a little fearful of separation anxiety, since my cute little husband has been with me every second of the day and night through this whole ordeal. But after 3+ phone calls from Jason checking in-- I knew I could survive.

We're staying in tonight for a little more R&R. We're trying to rest enough to join some of our friends for a Super Bowl party tomorrow afternoon. It'll be one step closer to joining the world again-- I'm actually hoping I can bring this section of our couch to school with me on Monday!

We continue to be thankful for our wonderful friends and family. We're truly blessed to have all of you in our lives. Thank you for all of the hugs, emails, flowers, cards, phone calls, etc... each and every one has made these days easier.

Spaghetti tongs will never be the same...

Well, it was back to the ER this morning.

I woke up around 6am with a rush of leakage and extremely painful contractions. After 2 hours of hell in the bathroom (poor Jason) and repeated calls to the ER doctor, we decided to go back in. Jason was using his cool new watch to time the length of the contractions and the time in between. By the time we left the apartment the contractions were almost 2 minutes long and only about 10 seconds between each one. I was also having mini puke sessions from the pain. What a wonderful way to wake up!

When we arrived at the Er, the nurse gave me a nice long needle in my butt-- thank god for chub because I didn't feel a thing! The pain continued, so the doctor went in... I couldn't see... I just assumed it was those nice long Q-tip swabs like they use for the annual exams... It wasn't until we were on the way home that Jason told me it was actually about 12inch long spaghetti tongs. Whatever the doctor did worked, because the cramping almost instantly stopped. As if I haven't been gross enough, the reality is that he pulled out a number of large clots that were having a hard time passing on their own. The contractions were my body's way of trying to get them out....

At least now we know that if it happens again, Jason should just get the tongs out!

Okay, I'm done begin disgusting... I feel great now... almost a euphoria to be out of pain... I think the vicatin might have something to do with it too!

The physical pain has actually been a nice distraction from the heart pain we were having yesterday.... there was no time to be sappy and sad this morning... just desperate thoughts to make it stop...

I'm on the couch relaxing... and enjoying my little vicatin high... I also talked to my regular doctor, Dr.Sinopli, just a little while ago. She has a plan for if the contractions happen again so that I don't have to go back to the ER--- thank god for health insurance!

Thank you for all your continued thoughts and prayers--- the doctors and nurses have been reassuring that a miscarriage tends to clean out the pathways so that our next attempt at baby brock should come quickly and be relatively problem- free (hopefully)

And hugs and kisses to my adorable husband... I think his fingers are still stuck together from my squeezes... he has been a wonderful support through every step and disgusting stage of this process... I could not have done this without him... I'm the luckiest women in the world to be married to him...

A Long, Sad Day...

Well, crossing my legs and trying to do a headstand didn't work. According to the doctor, there was nothing we could've done to prevent what wasn't meant to be.

We spent last night in the hospital because the leaking turned into loss. The light spotting and cramping started again after dinner-- and continued into the night. I woke up around 1am with some pretty strong cramps and bleeding. After pacing a little and goggling every site I could find on 'bleeding in the first trimester'-- I finally decided to wake Jason up at about 2am and said we should go to the hospital.

The first nurse was very optimistic that everything might be okay, but we knew otherwise. The ER doctor was very empathetic and informative and reassuring... he made the whole experience somewhat comforting. He said that he treats no less than one miscarriage on every shift he works at the hospital.

We had an ultrasound and pelvic exam and all of the other good stuff to confirm the loss and that my body was naturally letting go of our little sac... and then he sent us home around 5am...

We took today and tomorrow off of work-- we were thinking about heading up to the cabin, but thought that being around our friends and family might feel a little better than begin alone--

It just wasn't meant to be this time... and we're okay with that... today is our pity party...and tomorrow will be a new day...

We'll try again soon...and when it's meant to be... God will let it be...

in the meantime we are going to regroup... continue making healthier lifestyle choices so we're better prepared... gear up for a super fun cruise that we are really looking forward to with some of our closest friends...

and before you know it... we'll be sharing some of our 'trying to make baby brock again' moments... don't worry though... we'll spare some details...

please don't stop reading... we don't plan to stop writing...

thank you for your happy thoughts and prayers and love... our time will come...

Headstands...

So, the reality of pregnancy drama emerged today. I would love to spare graphic details, but most of you reading this know me well enough to know that I usually spare none! I had some spotting today, and it sent me into emotional rollercoaster land. It was only a small amount of goo. According to hours of googling, it's probably just old blood or a sensitive cell up in womb-land, but not terribly uncommon in the first trimester.

I talked to my doctor's nurse-- and she didn't seem concerned as long as there wasn't cramping or a fever. Then, of course, my paranoia set in-- and I couldn't tell the difference between a cramp-- tight nylons-- or gas-- so, I just started going to the bathroom every 5 minutes trying to assess the leakage--

The final draw came when I saw my cute little husband who started rubbing my back and asking if I was feeling okay-- yeah-- that was the breaking point-- and the flood gates broke--needless to say, I starting blubbering that I was spotting and needed to go home to put squishies on and watch Oprah-- (a phone call to mom on the way home also helped-- thanks mama)

I've been laying still on the couch ever since-- no more leaking-- hopefully--occasionally crossing my legs just in case that helps to keep baby brock in-- and wondering if a headstand should be my next move it happens again---